Car Styles I Wish Would Go To Hell

"flying lap" (flyinglap) 01/22/2015 at 14:34 • Filed to: None

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1 - The Minivan - Minivan drivers aren’t happy. After all they’re perched in a rolling cock-blocker, full of bastard kids, dumping french fries and milk between the seats. A minivan is a constant reminder of shattered hopes and dreams.

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2 - Hybrids - Ya, they get 45 mpg, big whoop. Diesel is the better choice.... Every time I see a Prius I wonder when the driver’s soul was taken.

3 - Cadillac Escalade with more chrome - The ultimate narcissist mobile. Let’s add some more chrome to a truck that already has more chrome. Then, add a platinum grill.

4 - Crossover SUV’s. Not an SUV, not a car, doesn’t handle quite well, doesn’t get great gas mileage, doesn’t look that good. WTF!

5 - Donks - Usually any domestic POS made circa 1985 that has the largest set of wheels a drug deal can buy. Don’t forget to add a horrible paint job and stolen sub-box.

6 - The Ricer - Ever seen a Civic with ten wings? These boy-racers are clearly not satisfied with their drag coefficient. Keeping your 83 HP Civic planted at speed is crucial to getting to your next landscaping job.

7 - Hellaflush with Bike Rack - Looks as stupid as the owners skinny jeans. I’ve got an idea, after I paint my show car, I’ll stick a jungle gym on it?

Flyinglap aka Joe knows more useless car information than anybody. He owns every Car & Driver since 1986. His 11 year old son knows the difference between an E24 and E28. His 7 year old son says “gai-ar-doh” not “gah-lar-doh” .

CalzoneGolem > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:37

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Get your hate out of here!

There'll be no car shaming in oppo!

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:38

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On the minivan front it might be the international car of giving up, but its also the most practical thing on the market. 3 kids, their friends, and all of their stuff? A minivan will gobble up just fine. Not much else can do that.

44444444444 > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:38

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Crossover is just a marketable word for 'station wagon'. They're all wagons with a lift kit.

Little Black Coupe Turned Silver > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:40

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Aren't you edgy, hating on everything you don't like... Wait, nope.

TheAutoRules > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:44

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A minivan is a tool and a darn good one for the job for which it is intended. And, it milk and Cheerios, not milk and fries. Nobody puts milk on their fries and then spills it in the van. You're right on with everything else.

MIATAAAA > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:44

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I would absolutely drive this. Possibly one of my favorite attainable cars.

DoYouEvenShift > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 14:45

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Its true. I have no children so no need for a minivan. But why fuck up a nice car when you can trash a minivan that nobody cares about.

ColoradoTaco > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 14:46

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Yep. Basically every Auotmaker has their own version of Subaru's Outback now.

DoYouEvenShift > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:46

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I have no issues with hybrids, as long as they look like normal cars.

flying lap > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 14:46

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you're right. But, the sensible stuff isn't fun to write about....

ColoradoTaco > Little Black Coupe Turned Silver 01/22/2015 at 14:47

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hahaha. I wish unoriginal Oppo write-ups would go to hell too.

We get it. Oppo hates stance, auto tranmissions and hybrids.. Let's move on.

RallyWrench > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:47

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Is that Prius owner intentionally trolling? 10/10 if so. They'd almost have to be, because that looks like a CA plate, and those stickers, in that strength, on that car just don't happen here.

Aya, Almost Has A Cosmo With Toyota Engine Owned by a BMW. > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:47

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I had one of this.

http://oppositelock.jalopnik.com/quickride-2007…

And i'm very proud of it. Minivan is the best!

TheAutoRules > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 14:48

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Totally agree. If these tall wagons weren't trying to be something other than what they are, they wouldn't offend me so much. They should just market them as something for people with an anti-minivan complex who still need to try and haul kids and the dog everywhere they go. I wouldn't have a problem with that.

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > DoYouEvenShift 01/22/2015 at 14:48

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Yeah, my Mom moved to leasing cars when she got her minivans. Said when each lease was up it was time for a new one thanks to what my sisters and I did to that interior.

flying lap > DoYouEvenShift 01/22/2015 at 14:48

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Agreed. Historically, they don't though....

Mercedes Streeter > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:49

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1. There are cool minivans. I don't get the huge negative stigma around them. Have you even driven a current generation Grand Caravan/Town & Country? More standard equipment than you can shake a stick at and enough power to shame the local teens and their Hellaflush Civics...

2. Kinda-sorta agree. Hybrids like the OG Insight and the Volt (yeah, I know) are awesome. I wish more companies would jump on diesel-electric hybrids. Literally the best of both worlds.

3. Money =/= Taste. :)

4. BRING BACK THE WAGON!!!

5. While I may not like Donks, those people are usually diehard petrolheads and they're a part of car culture in their own little way, so there's no way I can hate them.

6. As long as they keep it tasteful...

7. See #5.

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:49

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Why not bro-trucks instead? Takes something that could have potentially useful, and says fuck you to it.

itschrome > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:50

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I can't even remember the last time i saw a ricer.. even a civic with a wing.. it's been some time though that's for sure!

any ways, you seem thirsty can I offer you a drink?

why hate when you can do you and they can do them.

44444444444 > ColoradoTaco 01/22/2015 at 14:51

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Volvo got on board with the pseudo crossover early. They lifted the V70 in model year 1998 (the first year it was in America) and haven't stopped since. AWD, turbo'd, and lifted. 16 years later they are still going at it.

flying lap > itschrome 01/22/2015 at 14:51

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Satire my friend, satire.

itschrome > ColoradoTaco 01/22/2015 at 14:52

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Yeah.. then Subaru went and ruined the actual outback by trying to look and bee more like every one else... RIP outback... RIP.

flying lap > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 14:52

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I'm not familiar with a "bro-truck"?

44444444444 > TheAutoRules 01/22/2015 at 14:53

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I'd rather have people buying lifted wagons crossovers than gas guzzling SUVs.

Wagon: SUV utility & sedan fuel economy.

itschrome > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:53

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I hardly see what lovely fine fabric has to do with any of this!

PushToStart > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:55

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yeah, fuck hybrids... /s

That might've been a "reasonable" thing to say a few years ago, but that technology has evolved and I think by now it's been proven that it has a place and is worthy of being integrated into performance cars.

flying lap > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 14:56

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I get it, but don't consider this Volvo, a Crossover. Good looking wagon, yes.

flying lap > ColoradoTaco 01/22/2015 at 14:57

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You're right, I'm terribly unoriginal.

44444444444 > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 14:57

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Why not wagon? Does the same thing and doesn't look like complete shite.

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:57

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Something like this. Take and truck, put big wheels and (sometimes) decent tires, chrome and shit like that. Then never take it near dirt or anything remotely truck like.

flying lap > MIATAAAA 01/22/2015 at 14:57

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Really?

Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 14:58

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Wagons dont seat 7 plus things. Hell most wagons dont even fit more than 5.

flying lap > TheAutoRules 01/22/2015 at 14:58

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duly noted.

Bryan doesn't drive a 1M > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 14:59

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Eh, Crossovers are the only chance we have of getting Americans to start buying hatchbacks and wagons again instead of SUVs. Inch by inch, new crossovers will get lower and smaller, until BAM! you've got a hatchback.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:00

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Actually those little Suzukis in Japan are great for small towns where it snows a bit in the winter. Most of the old people have some version of the, "Samurai" type. Some things work in Japan and not as much here. A small town here, someone usually just gets a Suburban!

flying lap > Bryan doesn't drive a 1M 01/22/2015 at 15:00

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Not sure why we need the extra ride height. Wagons are sexy!

450X_FTW > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:02

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Hybrid cars aren't a bad thing, hybrid drivers that think they're saving the planet by buying a hybrid, they need to go away

flying lap > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 01/22/2015 at 15:03

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Love me a samurai, bro! As small as they were, that's a truck! Not a crossover!

Little Black Coupe Turned Silver > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:04

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This isn't satire though...

R Saldana [|Oo|======|oO|] - BTC/ETH/LTC Prophet > CalzoneGolem 01/22/2015 at 15:05

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Osiris - I can haz Euro spec? > MIATAAAA 01/22/2015 at 15:05

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Honestly, this thing looks fun as hell! It's lightweight. It has two doors. Lift it and throw some mud tires on it and I'll bet it'll go just as far as everything else (maybe need some more horsies to go with it but that's neither here nor there).

ColoradoTaco > itschrome 01/22/2015 at 15:06

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Yeah, the old one didn't generate enough buzz

44444444444 > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:06

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It's high enough to trick the population into not thinking it is (an obviously superior) wagon. That one is 6.5 inches off the ground. The next generation was even more at 8 inches off the ground. The ground clearance of a Range Rover is between 8-11 inches. Seems rather crossover like to me. But yeah, it's still a wagon. Wagons rule.

flying lap > Little Black Coupe Turned Silver 01/22/2015 at 15:06

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Satire:

the use of irony, sarcasm, ridicule, or the like, in exposing, denouncing, or deriding vice, folly, etc.

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:08

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Well the Kei cars, which that is probably one, is a different class and some people want them and others don't. Its probably one of ten vehicles built on the same chassis so it can most likely put its money where its mouth is.

flying lap > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 15:08

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Interesting point. These still look better than most crossovers. Maybe cause the look so "wagonee"

flying lap > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 01/22/2015 at 15:09

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So, the XC90 and Samurai are the same platform?

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:11

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I would have to look, when I go to Japan I see tons and tons of these small vehicles made by Suzuki and they are all the same size. Some must share! X90, not a Volvo!

44444444444 > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:13

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Well yeah it's just a normal V70 with a lift kit and AWD.

flying lap > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 01/22/2015 at 15:14

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X90 X90 X90

Now I know it forever. Thanks!

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:15

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The info I found didn't say, but it does say it replaced a few foreign market spots the Samurai filled. They sold a lot of these in Australia.

jariten1781 > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:22

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1. Nope, minivans are awesome. Massive space utility. Sure they aren't sexy, but they're the best all around haulers if you don't need an open bed.

2. Not really a style. I'm ambivalent

3. Sure

4. Meh, better than when suburban moms were stuck buying full-on body on frame SUVs to go to the mall while still looking 'cooler' than the ones in wagons

5. Sure

6. Sure

7. Sure

415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:23

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Oh I might have found confirmation that its build from the same chassis as the Vitara, Jimny and LJ80. That makes sense. But it also says it has things in common with the Suzuki Farm Worker, which is basically a Samurai with a little bed.

http://www.suzuki.co.nz/html/blob.php?…

MIATAAAA > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:26

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Most definitely! How awesomely weird is this thing?! Isn't the top removable, too??

BigBlock440 > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 15:26

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Or have sliding doors and flat floors

flying lap > 415s30 W123TSXWaggoIIIIIIo ( •_•))°) 01/22/2015 at 15:28

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Looks kinda cool, actually.

BigBlock440 > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:28

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So you're saying you actually like these things and want them to stick around forever?

flying lap > MIATAAAA 01/22/2015 at 15:28

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Yes, it's a targa.

flying lap > BigBlock440 01/22/2015 at 15:29

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I don't what I'm saying. I'm just saying.

MIATAAAA > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:30

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Would buy. Let me know if you see any CL postings for it. :)

MIATAAAA > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:30

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What is it called, by the way? Is it a Suzuki?

Übel > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:33

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You seem bitter.

flying lap > MIATAAAA 01/22/2015 at 15:33

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Suzuki X90, targa.

flying lap > Übel 01/22/2015 at 15:34

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Nah, not really. Sometimes, maybe. I think we're all sour sometimes....

DeltawingGothamDeserves > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 15:41

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I have a secret crush on the new Buick Encore. I dont know why.

flying lap > DeltawingGothamDeserves 01/22/2015 at 15:42

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Well, it's not secret anymore.

this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 16:23

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Minivan*

Unless is a 1000hp Bisimoto Honda Oddesey or an R63 AMG. Speed and power solve all things (Clarkson 19:3).

Hybrid*

Unless it...

A. Doesn't brag about it by being a special shape *cough* Prius *cough*, just has a little badge and better mpg's

B. Makes more power while still being more effecient, like the new XC90 — 400 hp and 472 lbft from a little 4 banger and some batteries

C. Used hybrid motors to torque fill small motors with big turbos, couldn't give a damn about fuel economy (P1 and TheFerrari)

More or less okay with the rest. I've been known to put a roof rack on, but I snowboard so that's allowed, right?

this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata > ColoradoTaco 01/22/2015 at 16:25

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And the outback just keeps getting bigger.

flying lap > this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata 01/22/2015 at 16:31

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If the rack is functional, yes, it's ok.

You're asking the million dollar question: Why can't hybrids look like cool cars? We'll never know, like how many licks it takes to get to the center of a tootsie roll....

flying lap > this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata 01/22/2015 at 16:33

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I love fox-body-miata's, btw.

this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 16:37

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It's the same problem electric cars have, other than Tesla.

They're made and marketed as kind of a gimmick, the selling point is ITS NOT GAS POWERED!! And they're designed to look weird, and even drive weird, so you can sit in your Leaf and feel superior

Then they wonder why no one who cares even a little about cars wants one. Which is sad, because as a gear head there's actually a whole lot to like about an electric drivetrain.

flying lap > this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata 01/22/2015 at 16:42

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Audi R18. P1. LaFerrari. NSX. You're so right about electric drive.

this is not matt farah's foxbodymiata > flying lap 01/22/2015 at 16:48

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There's so much to like. Think about it, with a motor the size of a watermelon, there's no packaging excuse to not put it in the back. You can disperse the batteries wherever you like, perfect weight distribution every time!

And from the point of view of a car guy, we're always complaining about how complicated modern drivetrains are. You could never work on a showroom car in your garage. But electric is so simple... It would be like the days of hotrodding flathead fords again.

flying lap > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/22/2015 at 22:26

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Oh ya, I know those. You're right, I shouldn't have included the bro-truck. Maybe I'll blog about it tomorrow, stay tuned....

gmporschenut also a fan of hondas > 44444444444 01/22/2015 at 23:26

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wagons have seating for 8?

Wacko > flying lap 01/23/2015 at 17:52

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More sidekick than Samurai. Same years as the sidekick/tracker....

I so wanted a X90 when I was 16, when they where new. Wanted one with a liftkit and off-road tires. And it rocks a T-top.

The 90's was a fucked time for everyone.

Wacko > MIATAAAA 01/23/2015 at 17:52

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t-top FTW

flying lap > Wacko 01/23/2015 at 19:16

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The 90's were cool fucked up

HFV has no HFV. But somehow has 2 motorcycles > Dwhite - Powered by Caffeine, Daft Punk, and Corgis 01/24/2015 at 10:55

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and get better MPG than most SUVs

ArschMitOhren > flying lap 02/18/2015 at 08:04

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Ok, so you get cock-length ideations when you see a minivan. BFD.

Give me a non hell-bound alternative for single, kidless, male drummers in their 20s (ok maybe 30s) for schlepping around drum and audio equipment that doesn't:

1. require lifting heavy shit high enough to dump it in an SUV or wagon
2. have doors that swing out and get in your way
3. have crappy mpg
4. have a lousy repair/reliability history
5. take up more than one parking space.

flying lap > ArschMitOhren 02/18/2015 at 10:20

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Toyota 4runner

Subaru wrx 5-door

e91 BMW

ArschMitOhren > flying lap 02/18/2015 at 11:57

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Thx. None of those fit the requirements, though.

No way to get gear into the vehicle near ground level, and no sliding doors. Any other ideas?